Disclaimer: I had a totally different blog post in mind that I was ready to publish as my very first entry on this website, but then life happened and I knew that this one had to be the first. I needed to write this for myself and for anyone else who may need to read it.

At certain points in life, we all experience loss. In all different forms…all different sizes and significance. It could be the loss of a loved one, the loss of marriage, a job, an opportunity, an experience, or the support of someone important to us. Sometimes the loss is temporary, sometimes it’s permanent. The loss can happen quickly, or it can drag on for a season. Often times, we focus so much on the loss, that it’s hard to see the things that we gain or learn from the experience. And sometimes, the things that we gain hold more significance than the loss itself. We just may not see it, or we may not want to see it. Depending on the situation, we may even feel guilty to appreciate what we’ve gained. There are so many factors which could make it hard to see the glass half full, especially after a devastating loss. But, we can’t give up. There is still so much to gain. This is my story of what I’ve lost and found during this challenging season of life.

The Start of the Season

Recently, I’ve realized that I’m going through a season of life where Loss has become a more prominent theme. If I had to pinpoint a “start date”, I could say this season began on Father’s Day when my husband had a (thankfully minor!) injury to his finger. It was a strange little accident that required a visit to the ER…which foiled the fun plans we had made for that special day. Even though the injury was minor, it was on his dominant hand and he was given a surprisingly long recovery timeline – 10 weeks. In short, no summer golf outings. My husband still did his best to start to tackle the projects he had planned for the summer. Things just had to happen a little slower, or be postponed a bit. Still, this temporary loss of mobility in his finger led to lost opportunities. As minor as it was, it put a little damper on the summer we had planned. My heart had many plans for us, especially this was supposed to be my last summer as a stay-at-home mom, and I wanted to soak up every minute of fun I thought we had left. (I’ll get to that later.) But, all in all, this really was just a small inconvenience and a relatively insignificant blip on the radar.

The Hardest Day

Then, almost two weeks after Father’s Day, life as we know it changed forever. We experienced a heartbreaking loss when my husband’s father unexpectedly passed away of a heart attack. My husband had lost his Dad. My children lost their grandpa. I lost my father-in-law. It happened so quickly that no one was able to say goodbye. We lost our chance. And just like that, whatever things we thought we had lost on Father’s Day were nothing compared to losing a father. Forget about summer, life itself took on a completely new course. At times it felt like we had lost touch with reality because there was some shock and denial that came with the fact that it all happened so fast. It was (and sometimes still is) hard to process.

One month later, we experienced yet another loss when my uncle passed away. Even though he lived a full life and his passing was not as surprising, it was still difficult because he was always so present in our lives. Because both of these losses are still so fresh and of great significance, there are still such strong emotions surrounding it all and words won’t seem to do justice here. 

Trivial Loss

During this same time, I could continue to list many other trivial things we lost. Even small losses that occurred began to either feel larger or smaller than usual – but either way, I still felt a loss. As the summer was coming to a close and we were losing daylight, I felt like so much time and opportunity had slipped away from us. This was supposed to be my last summer as a stay-at-home mom. My first born was headed to start Kindergarten and my youngest to a full-time preschool, so I was ready to resume my full-time career. I won’t try to explain the many emotions I was feeling, but the best way to sum it up is to say that I felt like this milestone was another loss. I was losing time with my children, and I was losing them as “babies”.

Can You Lose Something You Never Had?

With my kids headed to full-time school, I would now have the chance to return to a full-time career (a career that I never intended to pause). I didn’t plan to leave my full-time career to be a stay-at-home mom. It was a quick choice that we had to make shortly after I had my first born. I always intended to go back to work once my kids were in school full time…and that time was now. Looking for a new job just added to the uncertainty I already felt about the future. I tried to stay positive and as opportunities cropped up, I started to feel excited and encouraged. The process was taking more time than I anticipated, and during this time other circumstances had occurred and other factors had come into play. So, if an opportunity didn’t come to fruition, I didn’t have that feeling of being inadequate or unqualified. That is, until this one particular role opened up. I applied for a job that I was ecstatic about. Everything seemed to be falling in line and I felt really good about it. I knew this position was very competitive, and I was grateful to make it through to the very last stage. In the end, I wasn’t chosen. And poof. Just like that, I lost my confidence. You can’t lose a job you never had, but I felt like I lost the future I envisioned. I lost hope. Just as I thought that maybe this season of loss was ending, this happened. I started to feel the “glass half full” mentality slip away from me, and I didn’t want to lose this too.

When Perspectives Change

We are not in control of everything that happens in life, but we are in control of how we respond to it. If you lose something, your response is the only thing you can control. The more loss that I felt like I was experiencing, the more I forced myself to look back to the beginning to search for something positive to cling to. Sometimes it’s easier to see than others, but can I really say that anything was gained from some of life’s toughest losses? And, can I actually find a way to be grateful for the things that I’ve gained? With the holiday season upon us and as the year comes to a close, sometimes the losses can feel stronger than ever, which is why there is a need for a stronger focus on the gains – the things that I’ve found and learned.

Sometimes it’s easier to get into the mindset by starting with the smallest, most trivial things first. I asked myself, what were the micro lessons I learned? Attempting to change my perspective on the small factors forced me into a more positive mindset which helped as I started to look at the bigger picture.

As a result of all of everything that was lost, I have….

Found new ways to provide support and express love.

Found reasons to forgive…for the sake of others and myself.

Found that differences of opinion don’t matter as long as your opinion of each other is full of love. 

Found that my faith is stronger than I thought.

Learned to appreciate (rather than dread) milestones and change. 

Learned the importance of letting it all out and having a good cry.

Learned when it’s ok to hold on, and when it’s ok to let go.

Gained a new understanding for those who grieve and how others respond to it.

Gained a new type of courage.

Gained a new perspective on loss.

Discovered new ways to honor my loved ones who passed.

Discovered new strengths and weaknesses I didn’t know I had.

Discovered new reasons to be grateful.

Discovered that being grateful is not only important, but crucial to leading a joyful life.

(Oh and I must mention that in the midst of all of this, we actually experienced some “lost and found” moments with material items as well. Quite a few things actually. One item happened to be my father-in-law’s class ring. We realized it was lost after he had passed, but it turned up in an unexpected place many weeks later. Surprisingly, each one of the lost items was found. And funny enough, the irony of all of this was not lost on me.)

Moving Forward

From this point forward, my plan is to focus on what I have, what I’ve learned, or the new opportunity I have before me. Do not focus on whether or not the value of the gain is/will be equivalent to the significance of the loss. Just focus on the gain. I hope that when it’s needed, you will remember to do the same. Where you spend your focus is where you will place your value. I’m trying to focus on the positive, and this blog is my attempt to do just that.

Cheers to a glass half full,

Tiffany Ritz